Tuesday, August 24, 2010

funny how it happens...

...that even doors you thought had closed would be opened again.  I've prayed and prayed for months for doors to be closed.  When people asked how they could pray for me I would say, "Oh, please just pray that some options will disappear.  Ask God to close those doors and shut the windows!"

Haha.

Here I am, thinking that I know something about the way God works--as if it ever happens that way.  I mean, really!  I thought when my life became one big bowl of YES and I was overwhelmed with choice and no obvious option plopped in front of me, that I could predict what God was going to do based on my previous experience.  To a certain extent, that is true(ish): I can comfortably say that I believe that God will not let me fall on my face unless it is to my eventual benefit to fall on my face.  So, I expected to be left in a vortex of anxiety for awhile while I learned to trust God more (even though I know it's good for me, I still don't trust very well when I do fall on my face) and that at some point some of the doors would close, the chilly fall air would force someone to shut the windows, and we'd all bundle up in slippers and hand-crocheted afghans given to us by our grandmothers, and all would be right with the world.

All that is to say, I was entirely wrong.  Did doors close?  Yes!  The one I had expected to be WIDE OPEN at the beginning of the summer closed while I was in Alaska.  And yet, instead of keeping that door closed and closing a ton of others, ever guiding me to my next destination, the SAME DOOR was the one I ended up staring out of.  I performed a figurative turn-about and there it was---wide open, but with a slightly different path on the other side.

I had planned to go to Reba as an apprentice.  That didn't work out (see somewhere below).  Then I planned not to go to Reba, despite several attempts on the part of others to get me there.  Then, I figured I might as well check out this housing opportunity that was made known to me, and I was rather slow getting on that.  THEN, it worked out.  I didn't realize until I had left the house where I will be moving next week that I ended up at Reba anyway, after all of that worry.  I'll be with friends and people who love me, in a neighborhood I can walk around in, and near the lake and coffee shops and plenty of work opportunities and grocery stores (there aren't many grocery stores on the west side).

Needless to say, this door re-opening has thrown a stone in my gears.  I was all gung-ho for Alaska, and now I'm not so sure.  I'm still open to the idea, given certain circumstances falling into place, but I am also far more comfortable sticking around than I was a month or two ago.  Sigh...more to follow, I'm sure.

it's official

Finally...and so soon?  I'm going to be chrismated on September 19th!  I'm very excited and very nervous, and it all happened so fast that my head is spinning.  I've known for about a week now and I feel no more prepared now than I did a week ago.  It's pretty wild.

I think that my saint is going to be Martha, sister of Lazarus.  She's one of those characters in the Bible who's looked down on because the only story people remember about her is that she was the one harpin' on her sister Mary for listening to Jesus, and then Jesus says "yo, Martha, chill out.  You should be listening to me, too, not freaking out about the cooking and whatnot."  So everyone thinks less of Martha.  She's a lot like Thomas in that way.  However, Martha was the first to receive the news of the Resurrection when she was on the road to Bethany with Jesus and he was planning to raise Lazarus from the dead and prophesied about his own imminent death and resurrection.  Anyway, Martha's awesome.

Whew!  It's going to be great!

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Ravelry: horizonaffair's Queue

Ravelry: horizonaffair's Queue

Well, thanks a lot, new house mum. The mom at my current residence introduced me to the joys of pattern-searching on Ravelry yesterday and now I have yet another online addiction. Of course, I can't really blame her as I do have my own will and control over my actions...but it's more fun this way! ;-)

I'm actually quite excited about it as now I'm much more motivated to get going on some of these projects, which means that I might be taking a trip out to my parents' to pick up some of my yarn. So, let's say a suitcase' worth? And I'll have to pick up my pillow and CDs while I'm there because I was silly enough to leave them in Colorado. Drat!

Monday, August 9, 2010

many new families

I have officially moved to the west side of Chicago to stay with a family from church for at least the month of August.  They've been unbelievably hospitable, making lunches for me to take to work and finding this great bed and IKEA that folds up into a chair during the day.  There have been days already in which I have folded up my bed, decided later to take a small nap, and have been found curled up on the remaining chair.  It's been fun integrating myself into the chaos and adding a bit of my own.

Soon enough, the Orthodox Church will become my newest family, and while I don't know the exact date yet, I've heard that there will be several baptisms in mid-September, and as Fr. Pat generally likes to clump chrismations and baptisms together, there's a good chance I'll be chrismated on that day as well.  However, we have yet to officially discuss specific dates and whatnot...

Friday, July 23, 2010

changes, changes, changes

Well, I know for sure that God is trying to teach me something and lead me down a certain path.  Jeesh!

The apprenticeship at Reba Place is most definitely out of the question now.  In the end, they gave me a choice: remain a catechumen at All Saints', or come to Reba as an apprentice.  In my mind, this was no choice at all--obviously, I'm going to continue my catechumenate.  I have waited a long time to become a part of this church and I am not going to give that up so that I can be a part of a program that has changed significantly such that I am no longer interested anyhow.

So, one door is closed.  The remaining doors, however, are a whole mess of crazy:
1) Stay in Chicago?
2) Continue with doula training?
3) Prepare to go to grad school next fall?
4) Move to Alaska?
5) Find a "real job" and plan on sticking around for awhile?
6) Get my act together and rent a place?
7) A surprise?

I'm trying to stay positive about the fact that my world is so wide at the moment.  The world is my oyster!  How many opportunities like this does a person receive in her lifetime?  I'm young, single, and currently free of any long-term responsibilities to a place.  What reason have I to remain?

It would be nice if I could close the Chicago door so easily: nothing for me here, so once I'm chrismated I can go!  But it's not that easy.  My previously shaky relationship with my friends has taken yet another turn for the better, and my newest and probably potentially someday best friend is returning in a month to go back to school.  My church is here.  My family is here.  I can more easily find a job in Chicago than most places, and I do have a lot of opportunities for learning in a city full of schools, programs, institutes, and millions of people...

But, there are many reasons to go as well.  As I mentioned before, I am young and can get away with doing unpredictable, strange things much more easily now than ten or even five years from now.  I don't have a boyfriend, a family, or an apartment, much less a house.  I don't have a contract job and don't plan on having one any time soon, so whatever work I do, I can just skip town whenever and someone will be glad to take my job once I'm gone.  The only place I would skip town to has a church that could use me, which, while being sort of scary, is also a fun challenge for a newly-minted Orthodox.

Much prayer is needed, for sure.  On the praise side of the equation, I have several housing offers to consider, so I won't be homeless in ten days--praise the LORD!

Thursday, June 17, 2010

community status update: Reba

My interview was two days ago, so it's still a bit difficult for me to accurately assess the situation, but I'll try to highlight the important points now.

1. All of the apprentices are going to be in Roger's Park this year.  This means several things: the life of the church there is far more intimately tied to the community than is the case in Evanston, the ministry is vastly different, and I was not expecting this at all.  In the past, interns were only in Evanston, then later started being distributed between Evanston and Roger's Park.
2. The reasons that I wanted to be a part of their community and the reasons they think that interns want to be part of their community are quite different, so it makes sense that more apprentices would be interested in Roger's Park than Evanston.  I, however, am not one of those interns.
3. I will not be doing the apprenticeship, so I need to find housing and a job outside of it, and I have to tell them.  It's probably going to be a little awkward, but it must be done.  My instinct is to simply run away from the situation, but that's not mature or helpful and I'll just be kicking myself later.  I need to take care of this.
4. I'm leaving for Alaska in twelve days and thus have very little time to find a place and figure things out if I want somewhere to live in August.  If I wait to find something available for September, then I'd have a bit more time.
5. This whole thing is rather disappointing, so I'll stop writing about it now before I really start whining!  Everything is going to be okay, and I trust that God has some sort of plan in mind that prevents me from being able to go to Reba in this way.

Please pray for me.

Monday, June 14, 2010

bridal shower

I have a tendency to avoid potentially awkward situations, especially situations where I don't really know everyone.  I'm working on that, so in the spirit of branching out and NOT becoming my mother, I decided to go to the bridal shower that the women of All Saints' had yesterday for our beloved Claire.

I'm so glad I went.  I had the wonderful opportunity to hang out with a bunch of women from the church whom I have not yet gotten to know, and I think I made a few friends.  In addition, I was able to reconnect with some gals that I hadn't talked to in awhile, and I feel more a part of the church now than I have before.

The best part happened when I was leaving.  I was saying good-bye to Grace, one of our beloved elder women, and telling her how lovely it was to have sat next to her at the table.  She and I joked for awhile after that, and then she turned to me and said, "You know, Heather, I'm really glad you're a catechumen."
"Thanks!  Me, too."
Then she said, "It's like we're gettin' a new sister or something."
I replied, "That's exactly how I feel!  It's like I get to be part of this big family."
"Well, that's definitely how the Orthodox feel."

It was just so comforting.  I've expressed to several parishioners my terror at having decided to become a catechumen, and they've reassured me that that is quite normal and won't go away for a few years at least.  But Grace telling me all of that gave me such a peace about it, and now there is no question in my mind that this is where I need to be.  Now I have tons of new aunts, cousins, sisters, and brothers and uncles, too.  What a beautiful thing.

Friday, June 11, 2010

turtledom

Sometimes I wish I were a turtle.  I mean, I already behave like one half the time, so it would be mightily fitting for me to grow a shell to hide in.

Sometimes I wonder if this would not always be a bad thing.  I've been told that we shouldn't avoid our problems and hide away, but what if we need time to think things through or find a different perspective?

The balance between revealing too much and too little is so delicate, and I wonder if anyone is any good at it.  Even in the closest relationships it is possible to divulge too much, and even in the most distant relationships it is possible to divulge too little.

And once you've shared, what then?  What if you're waiting and waiting for someone to judge you based on the parts of the soul you've bared--parts that are sore and festering?  What if you know nothing about the people whose judgement you await?

Sometimes I wonder why God created us to be relational beings.  I believe that arguments and pain have a purpose, but I wish it just didn't have to be quite so trying, sometimes.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

branching out

I'll be the first to admit that my involvement in communities has been limited to a select few that I chose based on their relationship to my interests.  I love God, so I spend most of my time in Christian communities and even work with the people in those communities.  I love music, and thus have spent far too much time around musicians.  I'd venture to say that most people live this way as it is natural for us to be attracted to folks who are similar in one way or another.  Well, my new job has certainly been an adventure in a new kind of community.

Through a friend at church, I got a job selling cheese at farmers' markets with lots of other folks from church--not promising, I know.  However, most of the folks from church actually work with my company's twin brother company and I don't see them much.  The company that I work for has been rather educational for me in my favorite kind of way--by testing what I think I know and what I think my opinions are.  I used to be really REALLY bad in those situations; instead of stating what I actually think about one thing or another or sharing my true interests, I tended to morph myself to seem to be more like whoever I happened to be talking to.  But not anymore!

There aren't a lot of stories so far since I've only done four markets at this point, but I can say that I've met freelance journalists, wrestling coaches, English teachers, single middle-aged atheist liberals, low-income folks, people living in housing projects, people who hate bleu cheese and those who love all cheese, and tons of people who have surprised me all day long.  I'm constantly out of my comfort zone.  I've never worked on commission, sold cheese, tasted such fine cheeses as I now sell, been the lone white girl on the south side, driven a GIANT van, or talked with so many interesting people.

Life is easier when we let ourselves be comfortable in our communities, of which I am entirely guilty. However, life would be far more interesting and we'd be better people if we branched out a bit.  I'll try to be better from now on--pray for me!

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

a new community

As far as communities in my life go, while I am trying to become involved in Reba Place community, I'm still waiting on that one.  More recently, however, I have become a catechumen in the Antiochian Orthodox Church, meaning that I have joined a group of people who are preparing to officially enter into the Holy Orthodox Catholic Church sometime in the next few months.  I'll probably be Orthodox either around Christmastime or before next Pascha.  Crazy!

a subtle move

I have noticed that our communities do not often mark special occasions as a group.  Individual families may and often do create traditions or continue very old rituals to make certain moments special, but there is so little ceremony in our lives.  Old tribal peoples have practiced and continue to practice ceremonies with their communities which mark special occasions such as rites of passage into adulthood and marriage, the birth of children, calling for healing of the sick, and many others.  


Well, North Park University has few of these rituals, but one that they do perform in style is the commencement of graduates from the fold of the university to the next place in their lives.  I was blessed to participate in commencement last weekend, and I've been reflecting on the effect that this experience has had on me, and what I can learn from it and can bring to my other communities.


As I stood with my professors in the gymnasium I thought about all of the good work we did together--sure, they assigned it, but so many of them confessed learning along with me the whole time and it didn't feel like it was just my work, but the work of all of us together.  I experienced this especially with certain professors and mentors, and it was with them that I felt the most connected on that day.


A very physical representation of our unity caught my attention rather more strongly than I had expected: regalia.  All of us were wearing academic robes, hoods, and caps, and I have never felt more included in a group.  I did not have nearly such a moving experience in graduating from high school (perhaps because I was not receiving a degree?), but I'm glad that I had it this time.  I have no doubt that all of us marching along in academic regalia that day are now equals as adults.  For some reason, this event felt to me like a ritual accepting me into the truly enlightened adult community, which is exactly where I want to be (most of the time).  I no longer feel quite so skittish about being around adults...any adults.  In fact, it finally feels weird to say that about others and to not include myself despite my being an "adult" for over four years now.


I don't want to draw any direct conclusions from this beyond the need for rites of passage and rituals and ceremonies to mark distinct moments in our lives.  It is part of our make-up as individual human beings and necessary for communities to function to acknowledge the beginnings, ends, and other pivotal events in an individual's and their communities' history.  Without history, after all, there is no future!

Monday, May 10, 2010

welcome

Welcome to "flock".  This blog is my attempt to reflect on the communities of which I am a part and how those communities are interacting with the world around them.  Really, I'm trying to study what I consider to be life; I'm looking primarily at Christian communities in which the Gospel is lived out in various and often beautiful ways so that I might see God in new ways.


Hopefully, this blog will begin by being about my time a Reba Place, but I do not yet know if that will come to be!  For the time being, I'll live happily in the communities of which I already am a part.


I do not intend to always reflect on community directly, but our daily lives are wrapped up in community such that I could not reflect without reflecting on community!  So, whether directly or indirectly, my life musings will say something about the people around me.


I suppose I should get started...see you soon.